In this third discussion of Intelligent Masculinity, I (Nick Paro) sit down with my friend Lawrence Winnerman for a deeply reflective conversation about authenticity, fear, self-doubt, and moral courage. I build on the two previous discussions to dismantle the old, ego-based, fragile masculinity while replacing it with intentional daily discipline and integrity. Using this central thesis we reframe masculinity as:
The refusal to outsource personal accountability onto others — and the discipline to live with the consequences of your values and actions.
One of Lawrence Winnerman’s most important contributions is his refusal to anchor masculinity to any of the old, fragile, rigid gender norms. As a gay man who grew up learning to code-switch for safety, Lawrence exposes how much this is actually performance under threat. In the end, his definition does not reject masculinity — it liberates it. Masculinity, through Lawrence’s framing, is not stoicism for its own sake, dominance over others, and conformity to expectations. Instead, he shows us it is: self-knowledge, authentic presence, and accountability without disguise.
What many see simply as “masculine confidence,” Lawrence argues, is actually something much deeper, and more important: a person showing up fully in their own skin.
A central emotional truth from our discussion is Lawrence’s radical honesty about hist own daily struggles with self-doubt — a self-identified imposter syndrome.
He rejects the myth of the unshakeable man — the man who outwardly strides into the world thinking they know exactly what to do. Instead, Lawrence describes a masculinity filled with doubt, fear, constant self-questioning, and yet… there is a sense of action.
This is where my central thesis comes alive. Lawrence does not outsource responsibility for his choices to fate, society, or ideology.
He makes decisions, acts on them, and accepts the consequences — good or bad — which belong to him.
He owns his own accountability.
Intelligent masculinity here is not confidence without fear — it is courage with fear fully acknowledged.
One of the most resonant insights from the conversation is Lawrence’s comparison between coming out and living authentically:
You don’t come out once. You come out every day.
This becomes a powerful metaphor for intelligent masculinity itself. Like authenticity, it is not an identity you claim once — it is a series of small, often daily, repeated choices:
Masculinity is not proven during crisis alone — it is revealed in the mundane tasks of everyday life.
Lawrence also reflects on leadership and fatherhood — despite not being a parent himself — which defines good leadership (and good masculinity) as the ability to: take pride in others’ success, celebrate growth that surpasses your own, and refuse to claim credit for what does not belong to you.
This stands in direct contrast to ego-driven masculinity, which seeks to dominate, possess, and extract value. Lawrence names this clearly: toxic, frail masculinity is colonial — it must take and consume everything around it.
Intelligent masculinity, by contrast, is a generative process rather than extractive one.
We also acknowledge the weight of masculinity in this hyper political moment. Lawrence openly acknowledges his fears— of authoritarianism, of cultural regression, of the violence ahead. What makes this conversation so powerful is that fear Lawrence describes is not used to justify cruelty or withdrawal — instead, fear becomes: a reason to build community, a reason to speak honestly, a reason to refuse silence.
Lawrence’s deconstruction of masculinity aligns perfectly with one of the core messages from the overall Intelligent Masculinity discussion:
Men do not become dangerous because they are afraid. They become dangerous when they deny fear and outsource the responsibility for those fears onto others.
This third discussion with Lawrence Winnerman adds another layer of depth to the previous two with Shane Yirak and Sharad Swaney — intelligent masculinity is the product of emotional honesty, moral accountability, and self-acceptance.
Lawrence embodies these traits — he represents a quieter, yet more profound version of masculinity.
~Nick Paro
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I’m Nick Paro, and I’m sick of the shit going on. So, I’m using poetry, podcasting, and lives to discuss the intersections of chronic illness and mental wellbeing, masculinity, veteran’s issues, politics, and so much more. I am only able to have these conversations, bring visibility to my communities, and fill the void through your support — this is a publication where engagement is encouraged, creativity is a cornerstone, and transparency is key — please consider becoming a paid subscriber today and grow the community!.